I haven't updated in awhile. My life has pretty much been turned upside down since January 20th. That was the day I became a side effect of corporate downsizing. I lost my job of 6 years. I was told my job was secure....I thought my job was secure. Like so many...it wasn't.
I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I was let go. The first few days were not good to say the least. I laid in my bed. I stared at the ceiling. I was totally having a pity party. Now, keep in mind I was in a career that honestly I didn't love. It was stressful. I had long hours. It was thankless. I made a decent living but by the time I took my salary divided by actual hours worked, it really wasn't that great. I'd sacrificed a lot for my career and my company. I was on call 24/7. I was tied to a desk or cell phone. I could be sick on death's door and the job still needed to be done. Why the hell am I sad I got let go??
Like most people I became close to so many of my co-workers. I always considered us a sort of family. Leaving them was the hardest for me. I had one superior offer to take a pay cut if they'd keep me around. Another person offered to retire early. But, alas it wasn't meant to be. I walked out with three boxes of stuff and a ton of memories.
The funny thing about all of it is that I have learned so much about myself and other people during this last week. I knew I had those "go to" people that would be there, just like I would them. But there was also those people that I didn't expect such a response of support from. Then of course, there are those people who have let me down. Primarily those are people that I had established a friendship with through my job in some way. One person in particulars behavior has hurt me tremendously. Even more than getting let go. I thought our relationship was more than co-workers or peers. I see now that it was pretty much one sided. I saw friendship and I think that person took advantage of that. As long as their needs were getting met and fulfilled by me, on their terms, it was all good.
It's amazing how you can look back through the fog and see so much! One week ago I was a mess. Now I feel stronger than I have in years. I know I'm still unemployed and the job market is quite bleak. I've sent out a few resumes, but haven't really had much of a response. As someone who was in upper-middle management, I've over or under qualified....
So, I've decided I'm taking this time. Time for me. Based on looking at myself the last week or so I see I have lots of work to do on myself. I've let my job define me. I've let others define me. I haven't defined myself.
Money of course if an issue, I won't lie. But financially I'm OK for awhile. I don't want to leap into anything. I'm still applying for jobs, but I'm not panicking yet (we'll see how I am in a month). I'm taking this time to work on me. My therapist has offered to continue seeing me at a discounted rate. I have time to put more focus on eating healthy and working out. I have time to get healthy physically and mentally. That for me is worth more than any paycheck. For me, it's something that MUST be done. I feel in my heart that I am meant to do more in this world than I am doing now. I can't describe it. I feel that something great is happening to me. I'm not sure what it is and I'm not sure how long I will be patient, but it's not at my will.
I didn't binge ONE time during all this! I didn't reach for food for comfort AT ALL! That is progress in my book. Honestly I lost three pounds this week, compared to only losing two pounds since Christmas prior to my job loss....I think I see something profound here!
So, my goals for the week are as follows:
1. Focus on me and my physical/mental health
2. Continue to look for a job (obviously)
3. Enjoy this time I have with myself
4. Enjoy this time I can spend with other people
5. Move past those relationships that were not really relationships
Being unemployed sucks, but I'm trying to make the most of it and focus on what matters most. I am truly blessed in every other aspect of my life....a job is just that a job. It is not who I am. I am Terri. I am destined for great things. I am on the road to finding those great things and the only way I would have gotten on this road was to be taken off another road that I couldn't have gotten off by myself without the influence of others.
I saw these quotes on twitter the other day sent out by @TheSingleWoman "Sometimes we have to get down to nothing before we remember that we're worthy of everything and capable of anything." and "The past doesn't need you anymore. It's time to look to the future and write a new story." They spoke volumes to me....need I say more?
