A Better Life Awaits??

I haven't updated in awhile.  My life has pretty much been turned upside down since January 20th.  That was the day I became a side effect of corporate downsizing.  I lost my job of 6 years.  I was told my job was secure....I thought my job was secure.  Like so many...it wasn't.

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I was let go.  The first few days were not good to say the least.  I laid in my bed.  I stared at the ceiling.  I was totally having a pity party.  Now, keep in mind I was in a career that honestly I didn't love.  It was stressful.  I had long hours.  It was thankless.  I made a decent living but by the time I took my salary divided by actual hours worked, it really wasn't that great.  I'd sacrificed a lot for my career and my company.  I was on call 24/7.  I was tied to a desk or cell phone.  I could be sick on death's door and the job still needed to be done.  Why the hell am I sad I got let go??

Like most people I became close to so many of my co-workers.  I always considered us a sort of family.  Leaving them was the hardest for me.  I had one superior offer to take a pay cut if they'd keep me around.  Another person offered to retire early.  But, alas it wasn't meant to be.  I walked out with three boxes of stuff and a ton of memories.

The funny thing about all of it is that I have learned so much about myself and other people during this last week.  I knew I had those "go to" people that would be there, just like I would them.  But there was also those people that I didn't expect such a response of support from.  Then of course, there are those people who have let me down.  Primarily those are people that I had established a friendship with through my job in some way.  One person in particulars behavior has hurt me tremendously.  Even more than getting let go.  I thought our relationship was more than co-workers or peers.  I see now that it was pretty much one sided.  I saw friendship and I think that person took advantage of that.  As long as their needs were getting met and fulfilled by me, on their terms, it was all good.

It's amazing how you can look back through the fog and see so much!  One week ago I was a mess.  Now I feel stronger than I have in years.  I know I'm still unemployed and the job market is quite bleak.  I've sent out a few resumes, but haven't really had much of a response.  As someone who was in upper-middle management, I've over or under qualified....

So, I've decided I'm taking this time.  Time for me. Based on looking at myself the last week or so I see I have lots of work to do on myself.  I've let my job define me.  I've let others define me.  I haven't defined myself. 

Money of course if an issue, I won't lie.  But financially I'm OK for awhile.  I don't want to leap into anything.  I'm still applying for jobs, but I'm not panicking yet (we'll see how I am in a month).  I'm taking this time to work on me.  My therapist has offered to continue seeing me at a discounted rate.  I have time to put more focus on eating healthy and working out.  I have time to get healthy physically and mentally.  That for me is worth more than any paycheck.  For me, it's something that MUST be done.  I feel in my heart that I am meant to do more in this world than I am doing now.  I can't describe it.  I feel that something great is happening to me.  I'm not sure what it is and I'm not sure how long I will be patient, but it's not at my will.

I didn't binge ONE time during all this!  I didn't reach for food for comfort AT ALL!  That is progress in my book.  Honestly I lost three pounds this week, compared to only losing two pounds since Christmas prior to my job loss....I think I see something profound here!

So, my goals for the week are as follows:
1.  Focus on me and my physical/mental health
2.  Continue to look for a job (obviously)
3.  Enjoy this time I have with myself
4.  Enjoy this time I can spend with other people
5.  Move past those relationships that were not really relationships

Being unemployed sucks, but I'm trying to make the most of it and focus on what matters most.  I am truly blessed in every other aspect of my life....a job is just that a job.  It is not who I am.  I am Terri.  I am destined for great things.  I am on the road to finding those great things and the only way I would have gotten on this road was to be taken off another road that I couldn't have gotten off by myself without the influence of others.

I saw these quotes on twitter the other day sent out by @TheSingleWoman "Sometimes we have to get down to nothing before we remember that we're worthy of everything and capable of anything." and "The past doesn't need you anymore.  It's time to look to the future and write a new story."  They spoke volumes to me....need I say more?

January 8, 2011

I finally have committed to a more detailed plan of eating.  After speaking with my sponsor and I knew she would support me, I have signed up for Weight Watchers (again).  I am following the points systems instead of counting calories.  I will utilize my weekly points, but not my activity points.  This will allow for any additional points I may consume without my having to obsess and stress about each and every point I use.  In the past I have tended to obsess when I monitor my food.  This should allow me not to obsess.  I do not want to fall into the restrict/overeat behavior.
I've been working on taking my personal inventory and I tell you, that really kind of sucks but I know just how important it is to complete.  I'm trying to focus on the good things I have done, but it's SOOO much easier to focus on my flaws and things I may have done I'm not really too proud of.

The format for my inventory comes from my 12-step book so it's easy to get the thoughts rolling but it's an emotional process and I can only do about four questions at a sitting.  I see just how co-dependent I am.  I had NO idea what a control freak I can be.  I try to control other people in such a manner that I guess I thought I was really trying to help them.  I thought this was one of my good characteristics!  I am learning I can't fix other people's problems.  I can't control their thoughts and emotions.  I can't control their outcomes.  I need to "keep my side of the street clean" and not worry about everyone else's street.

Honestly I don't think I do this "intentionally" or for the reasons that people normally think of when someone's trying to control others (kinda evil like on a soap opera).  It's easy for me to focus on other's problems/lives/emotions so I don't have to deal with mine.  After I'd be done fixing everyone else's lives, all I'd have energy for would be to sit down and consume 5000+ calories in one sitting, feel so sick I'd laydown and do nothing.  Then I'd think of how miserable my life is and then do it all over again.  It was a vicious circle and as the circle continued, the sicker I got.

Although I live one day at a time, I am going to set a couple of goals for this next week. 
1.  Remain abstinent by following my plan of eating.
2.  Reach out to my sponsor or attend an online meeting if I feel "it" starting.
3.  Move more daily and provide myself with at least five workouts this week.
4.  Finish my inventory.
5.  Take time each day for meditation, spirituality and self love.

I have a bit of anxiety as I am returning to work after being on vacation since 12/23.  Everything is always so much easier when you don't have to deal with the "real world" stuff.  So I will take that too, one step at a time. 

Learning to love myself~
T

I'm a Lotus Flower

Like a lotus flower that grows out of the mud and blossoms above the muddy water surface, we can rise above our defilements and sufferings of life~Buddhist Value

2011 was a year of revelation for me.  I learned so much about myself.  I'm going to utilize this blog to put my journey out there to share as a healing tool.  Some people may sympathize, some may think I'm crazy, but if one person sees this and relates to what I'm saying (either for themselves or someone else) then they will learn as I did, that I am not alone in this. 

Here's how I got to where I am today:

In the spring of 2011 I decided I needed  to get some help.  I was not living.  I was miserable.  I was disgusted with myself.  I hated me.  When I realized I felt that way off and on for 34 years, I figured out that was not normal.  I was not living my best life and I wanted to change it.  I found a therapist that is helping me deal with SO much!

I have an eating disorder.  I am a food addict.  I am a compulsive overeater.  I am a binger.  In the past I was bulimic.  I am a survivor of childhood sexual and mental abuse.  I am co-dependent.  I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

It's not pretty.  It's not fun, but it's real.  This is the true me and this is what I have been focusing on the last several months.  But.....

I am getting better.  I am getting stronger.  I am learning how to deal with my past.  I am learning and reminding myself that I am safe.  I am having less anxiety.  I am dealing with my issues that lead me to food.  I am learning the food just makes it all the worse. I am releasing some of the control that food has over me.  I am part of a 12-step program that helps me deal with it all.  I attend meetings.  I pray.  I receive counseling.  I am learning to love myself.  I am releasing the control I "think" I have over others and their problems.  I can't fix everyone else while letting myself continue to spiral out of control. (I didn't know that's what co-dependent was!)

For the first time EVER in my life, the food part of my life is pretty much under control as far as my disordered eating, at least for today.  But I only take it one day at a time.  I know it can change with just one bite, one situation or one emotion.  Yesterday is past, tomorrow is the future.  I ONLY focus on getting through today.  I am living "One Day At A Time". I follow a "plan of eating" which helps me tremendously and I reach out when I feel my eating disorder rearing it's ugly head.  I have made fitness a part of my therapy.  It's good for the mind and body!

 I've become what I always thought before was "selfish".  How silly I was thinking that putting yourself and well being first was selfish!  That's why I stepped away from social media for awhile.  I needed to quit putting my energy into everyone else and their lives (even though they had no idea that's what I was doing).  I was living vicariously through and for everyone else.  I felt "chained" to twitter.  I felt that I needed to be available 24/7 and if any one replied to me, I needed to reply immediately or they wouldn't reply or like me anymore.  Unrealistic I know, but this is how my mind has worked for 34 years.

So this is my journey to learning to love myself.  I've got a long way to go and it's going to be a bumpy ride.  My plan is to update my progress every weekend so I can look back and see how far I've come. 

I AM a lotus flower and I'm starting to bloom...