I'm a Lotus Flower

Like a lotus flower that grows out of the mud and blossoms above the muddy water surface, we can rise above our defilements and sufferings of life~Buddhist Value

2011 was a year of revelation for me.  I learned so much about myself.  I'm going to utilize this blog to put my journey out there to share as a healing tool.  Some people may sympathize, some may think I'm crazy, but if one person sees this and relates to what I'm saying (either for themselves or someone else) then they will learn as I did, that I am not alone in this. 

Here's how I got to where I am today:

In the spring of 2011 I decided I needed  to get some help.  I was not living.  I was miserable.  I was disgusted with myself.  I hated me.  When I realized I felt that way off and on for 34 years, I figured out that was not normal.  I was not living my best life and I wanted to change it.  I found a therapist that is helping me deal with SO much!

I have an eating disorder.  I am a food addict.  I am a compulsive overeater.  I am a binger.  In the past I was bulimic.  I am a survivor of childhood sexual and mental abuse.  I am co-dependent.  I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

It's not pretty.  It's not fun, but it's real.  This is the true me and this is what I have been focusing on the last several months.  But.....

I am getting better.  I am getting stronger.  I am learning how to deal with my past.  I am learning and reminding myself that I am safe.  I am having less anxiety.  I am dealing with my issues that lead me to food.  I am learning the food just makes it all the worse. I am releasing some of the control that food has over me.  I am part of a 12-step program that helps me deal with it all.  I attend meetings.  I pray.  I receive counseling.  I am learning to love myself.  I am releasing the control I "think" I have over others and their problems.  I can't fix everyone else while letting myself continue to spiral out of control. (I didn't know that's what co-dependent was!)

For the first time EVER in my life, the food part of my life is pretty much under control as far as my disordered eating, at least for today.  But I only take it one day at a time.  I know it can change with just one bite, one situation or one emotion.  Yesterday is past, tomorrow is the future.  I ONLY focus on getting through today.  I am living "One Day At A Time". I follow a "plan of eating" which helps me tremendously and I reach out when I feel my eating disorder rearing it's ugly head.  I have made fitness a part of my therapy.  It's good for the mind and body!

 I've become what I always thought before was "selfish".  How silly I was thinking that putting yourself and well being first was selfish!  That's why I stepped away from social media for awhile.  I needed to quit putting my energy into everyone else and their lives (even though they had no idea that's what I was doing).  I was living vicariously through and for everyone else.  I felt "chained" to twitter.  I felt that I needed to be available 24/7 and if any one replied to me, I needed to reply immediately or they wouldn't reply or like me anymore.  Unrealistic I know, but this is how my mind has worked for 34 years.

So this is my journey to learning to love myself.  I've got a long way to go and it's going to be a bumpy ride.  My plan is to update my progress every weekend so I can look back and see how far I've come. 

I AM a lotus flower and I'm starting to bloom...