January 8, 2011

I finally have committed to a more detailed plan of eating.  After speaking with my sponsor and I knew she would support me, I have signed up for Weight Watchers (again).  I am following the points systems instead of counting calories.  I will utilize my weekly points, but not my activity points.  This will allow for any additional points I may consume without my having to obsess and stress about each and every point I use.  In the past I have tended to obsess when I monitor my food.  This should allow me not to obsess.  I do not want to fall into the restrict/overeat behavior.
I've been working on taking my personal inventory and I tell you, that really kind of sucks but I know just how important it is to complete.  I'm trying to focus on the good things I have done, but it's SOOO much easier to focus on my flaws and things I may have done I'm not really too proud of.

The format for my inventory comes from my 12-step book so it's easy to get the thoughts rolling but it's an emotional process and I can only do about four questions at a sitting.  I see just how co-dependent I am.  I had NO idea what a control freak I can be.  I try to control other people in such a manner that I guess I thought I was really trying to help them.  I thought this was one of my good characteristics!  I am learning I can't fix other people's problems.  I can't control their thoughts and emotions.  I can't control their outcomes.  I need to "keep my side of the street clean" and not worry about everyone else's street.

Honestly I don't think I do this "intentionally" or for the reasons that people normally think of when someone's trying to control others (kinda evil like on a soap opera).  It's easy for me to focus on other's problems/lives/emotions so I don't have to deal with mine.  After I'd be done fixing everyone else's lives, all I'd have energy for would be to sit down and consume 5000+ calories in one sitting, feel so sick I'd laydown and do nothing.  Then I'd think of how miserable my life is and then do it all over again.  It was a vicious circle and as the circle continued, the sicker I got.

Although I live one day at a time, I am going to set a couple of goals for this next week. 
1.  Remain abstinent by following my plan of eating.
2.  Reach out to my sponsor or attend an online meeting if I feel "it" starting.
3.  Move more daily and provide myself with at least five workouts this week.
4.  Finish my inventory.
5.  Take time each day for meditation, spirituality and self love.

I have a bit of anxiety as I am returning to work after being on vacation since 12/23.  Everything is always so much easier when you don't have to deal with the "real world" stuff.  So I will take that too, one step at a time. 

Learning to love myself~
T